Spend a year dating nothing but goth girls, however, and an entire cosmos of previously unrevealed knowledge befalls you

Spend a year dating nothing but goth girls, however, and an entire cosmos of previously unrevealed knowledge befalls you

But perhaps the biggest reason to date goth girls while you are a young dude? Because, simply put, goth girls stop existing at age 25. By then, they’ve had their personalities sucked out by their careers and they no longer feel “free” to paint their nails the same color as Folgers decaf and wear corsets out in the open. They see their individualistic, creativity-driven “goth years” as a joke, something to look back upon and groan. They are professionals now, and they have to terraform themselves to that boring, staid, office drone look. Adios frilly blouse with the poofy shoulder pads and sayonara eggplant eyeshadow. The lip ring comes out, the Doc Martens go the thrift store and the tattered Cure shirts are locked away in the basement, never to see the light of day ever again. You can always find a bubbly cheerleader or artsy geek type when you are 30 and 40. But the authentic, red-blooded, all-American goth girl? You’ve got up until your senior year in college, and that’s pretty much your last opportunity to land one your own age.

For those of you have long mulled pursuing a darker, more lugubrious kind of romance? Remember, the clock is running out, and the sands of time are slipping by a lot faster than you imagine.

Even as fleeting, transitory relationships, they provide you with something to remember about both the fairer sex and who and what you are as a person

And you don’t want to go to your grave not knowing what it’s like to make out with a girl wearing midnight black lipstick, do you? Aye, such would be a fate grimmer than death herself.

So, that eighth grader I was talking about earlier? She was probably the first major crush of my adolescence. Even now, I have no clue what her name was, but I will never forget seeing her at the bus stop for the first time. She was clad in fishnet arm bands, was rocking the kind of boots I had only seen in Hellraiser movies and her makeup was about one shade away from being a quasi-offensive appropriation of Kabuki theater. ” (I had curly hair like Chunk from The Goonies, you see.)

Curling her auburn coif from her eyes – revealing a set of peppers outlined in what I assumed was an entire bottle of dollar store mascara – she smiled a sinister smile and asked me, with the playful lunacy of Harley Quinn, “what you staring at, curly?

Yeah, sometimes you get pure duur a mixture of two or three of them, but by and large? That encompasses the entirety of the female goth varieties. Each subset has its pros and cons, its faults and benefits, something to admire and adore and something to detest and despise. And guys, I think you owe it yourself to experience all five of the sub-goths before you earn your bachelor’s degree. Why? Because goth girls – for better or worse – represent the most diverse range of female personality types. Some are incredibly chill, while others are pretentious and – ironically – stuck-up. Others are nauseatingly banal, downright obsessive and, on the deep, deep side of the pool, positively deranged. They’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, they’ll make you think profound existential thoughts and they will – by design, perhaps – make you want to kill yourself. You date nothing but cheerleaders or club girls or anime nerds for a year, and you won’t learn any nobler truths about the universe. Hell, you might even find one that is just the right fit, and who knows? Maybe you two can have an all-black wedding, with a cobwebbed Pinterest cake or something.

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